To add another wrinkle to my exercise routine, I have decided that I would start swimming in the indoor pool. I have not gone swimming in a couple of years, and though I am a strong swimmer, I was not surprised that I struggled a bit. Even with being in good shape, a new technique takes some time to get used to. I noticed I had the pool to myself and found the effect of the water rising and falling in pattern to be calming. Alone, I began to focus less on my breast stroke and allowed my thoughts to wander.
I began to think about my life and where I am. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time lately thinking about what exactly I want to achieve. Honestly, I am not sure anymore. I have goals. But, I’m not sure precisely where I see myself in ten years. Perhaps that is okay. I’ve considered a fresh start, moving on, literally and figuratively, but I’m unsure if I want to start over, yet again. I’ve started over so many times now. What’s one more time, right? Each time it gets harder and harder. Even with perseverance, I feel like it permanently causes me to lose a little something inside each time.
I fight everyday with the perception that I haven’t done enough in life. That burdens me and it weighs on me. I feel like I should be further in life, especially at my age, but things have happened, I’ve started over, and the saving grace is I am still standing. Perhaps a little crooked, a little bruised, but standing all the same equipped with new experiences and lessons learned. I’ve worked very hard in recent years to move away from my perfectionist tendencies. At the core of being human, we gravitate to what we are, even if we know it is wrong. It takes time to make “what we are” be different through change. I’ve spent a considerable amount of time in making “what I am” different. I am pleased with that progress and who I am now, but it has drastically changed my outlook and perceptions on life. That adjustment has taken some time to get used to because it is so opposite from before.
The one resource that is not renewable for all of us is time. The older I get, the more I realize this. I think it is good to realize time is fleeting because it helps us to focus our energies on the values, ideas, people, and activities we find important.
I’ve yet to be able to reconcile the idea of what I thought my life would be, isn’t what it will be. I’m here to do something else in life, and am finding that I am actually better at it than at what I thought I should be in life, but it still feels odd. I’m unsure why. Perhaps it is because I feel as I am turning my back on my old goals and what I’ve known. Maybe I need more time. But, time is fleeting and maybe this idea, even if flawed, is what bothers me.