Full Disclosure on Closure Part III

Fast forward to last weekend.

The news of her remarrying surprised me. I am not sure why. She doesn’t like to be alone. It causes her to have to self-reflect on her insecurities and issues. She hates that. She’s also turning 31 this year and I know she wanted to have children.

It didn’t seem like it had been five years since we had separated but it had. The time seemed so much shorter. Maybe that is actually what surprised me – how quickly the time passed.

The email and the knowledge from three years ago that someone else was playing house with her angered me. But, this time, I didn’t feel any anger or sadness or actually…anything. I didn’t feel anything at all. It seemed like I was just told a stranger that I had never known or met was now getting married.

In a way, it felt great. The death of my marriage was something we had tackled in my counseling sessions. I had discovered I knew our marriage wasn’t meant to be. My ex-wife had a lot of the same qualities that my mother did including the severe insecurity and emotional issues. I later discovered that children that have broken relationships with parents, especially those of the opposite sex, tend to seek out partners that are similar as a means to be able to fix that relationship with the parent by fixing the partner. I grieved heavily over the death of our marriage but I didn’t grieve for her. I grieved because I realized the expectations I had for our marriage would never be fulfilled.  I didn’t have the tools to understand that before. I did now. I learned that I needed the divorce to have that experience to be able to learn that life lesson.

But I didn’t feel any anger, sadness, sense of loss, guilt, or any type of jealousy. The event showed me I was truly past what had happened and I had forgiven her for her mistakes and most importantly, I had forgiven myself for those I made.

I did pause and stop and wonder whether she had changed. I hoped so for the sake of her new marriage. I’d likely never find out and that is fine. It isn’t my business anyways.

I sent this text to her:

“Word got to me that you got married recently. I wanted to offer my congratulations to you and your new husband. I wish you both all the best.”

Her reply:

“Thank You.”

We were a moment in time. A snap shot of something we were to be but never could achieve. I hope you find happiness and I hope you find yourself.

Be well and best wishes.

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18 thoughts on “Full Disclosure on Closure Part III

  1. There are some similarities here to my own journey over the last three years. I think I’m good. Time alone has been a great opportunity to reflect and learn. I’m not big enough to not wish that Karma would kick the arse of some of the players that still lurk around but I’m pretty good at ignoring. And for the most part, it’s calm waters and smooth sailing to a better future, much like you! 🙂

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    • It is definitely a process that takes time. Everyone’s journey is different depending on the situation.

      I hope your waters continue to be calm. Some of the best advice I can give you to is to reflect on your own situation with this knowledge – a lot of the actions that are done to us are often not reactions to our own actions but borne out of that individual’s own insecurities and fears. Once I discovered that, I stopped wondering what I needed to do to change myself to fit that person’s expectations.

      It allowed me to get off the roller coaster and focus on my own personal growth and to dictate my own behavior and not be dictated by others. Sadly, I allowed that to happen too often for a long time.

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  2. It’s very mature of you to be able to message her. But also to admit that the divorce needed to happen in order to learn something about yourself. I’ve learned all about broken parent relationships and how they affect the children when they grow older from my own counselor as well. It’s fascinating information and affects me greatly as well.

    I’m glad you’re on a much better track though and can find happiness within yourself.

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    • Thank you. I likely did it as much for myself as I did for her so I could move on. We have to just let go. We can’t hold on to things.

      Thank you. I hope to find happiness too. I hope one day I can.

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  3. Wow. Thank you for sharing this. I appreciated how honest it was. I can imagine divorce being one of the hardest things a person has to go through. If I am being honest one of my biggest fears is divorce. It is just messy from all sides.

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    • Welcome. Thank you for hosting me on your blog and inviting me to share.

      It was difficult but I am still standing.

      My best advice in marriage would be the following:
      1. Always keep each other first in your respective lives.

      2. Always keep open communication.

      Those were lessons I learned from my failed marriage.

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