Almost Five Years

couple-holding-hands-in-sunset

I still think of you often. I shouldn’t but I do. I’m not sure why. Is it because I loved you? Is it because of what we were? Is it because you represent my fatal flaw to reconcile my past? Is it because you are with someone else now?

I wonder about you. I wonder if you have changed. I wonder if you tried to grow. If so, I wonder what you are like now. With my own personal growth, would we even be friends? Could we be lovers? Or would we be strangers, as we exist now and perhaps should have always been?

Would you recognize me? I look the same but I am different now than when you knew me. Would I recognize you? It has been so long since I saw you. The shadows we cast on one another were completely swallowing. I lost myself being with you. I became a shell of myself and fell further into my own fears and miseries. I hated what I became and I became whom I hated the most.

I needed you. I needed what you did to me to see the errors of my way. Your fallacies were your own and I believe you needed me to see them. I wonder if you did. I hope you did. You helped me change and you helped me grow in the most painful of ways. Your love wasn’t meant for me. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant for you either. And that was the crux at which we lay. You couldn’t love me cause you couldn’t love yourself. I couldn’t fix you but I also couldn’t fix myself.

So there we were – two generals with their fingers on the trigger pulling them each day. Who could hurt whom the most – a daily affair to one up each other’s pain. We stood – but we stood apart – nothing we shared held us together but we fed off one another’s pain.

I wonder who you are. Five years you existed in only a name. Your name has now changed and I wonder if you are still the same. If we met, what would we say? I’d want to introduce you to who I am now. But, you’d see me for what I was – a ghost in your imagination that exists frozen in a flame. I’m better now and I hope you are too. I hope you realize he can’t bring you joy. I hope you found your way. I miss you but I also realize you represent something to me that I can’t reconcile or change. You aren’t mine anymore. You never actually were. That still haunts me to this day.

We were nothing together – we were never on the same page. I hope you and he are different. I hope you grew. I hope you learned. If not, you’ll both be dying in the flames.

 

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20 thoughts on “Almost Five Years

    • I am so curious about dreams. I love exploring the psychology of why they occur.

      I often dream about my mother and my ex-wife. I think because they represent immense losses in my life and points of sorrow.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I come from a family of dreamers. When my grandfather told us he had a dream, everyone listened. His dreams materialized within 24 hours. I often have dreams about children who are in danger, but I’m paralyzed to help them. I’m interested in the psychology of it as well. I think my dreams are frustration dreams.

        Maternal abuse (especially emotional) usually goes deeper in dreams. I can say that in my experience working with children having a narcissist, crisis queen, exhibitionist, or substance abuser for a mother is more difficult on boys than girls. Also, men tend to grieve longer than women in western societies.

        In these cases, men often struggle in dreams with feelings of powerlessness, guilty, shame, and a sense of failure. All of which of course will cause sorrow.

        Freud believed that all art is a manifestation of the subconscious mind or in other words a waking dream.

        Lol, I’m carrying on again, but there is a lot to consider when curious about dreams and their meanings.

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      • That’s an interesting scenario you discussed. My dreams are often of extreme sorrow, violence, and anger. They also manifest in frustration.

        I’m usually searching for something, participating in some sort of war, or attempting to get away from something. There is always an aura of despair and sadness. As mentioned, it is common to have my dreams feature my ex-wife or my mother.

        I have also been murdered in my dreams three times. I never saw the act but somehow I just knew. I have often thought the murder was metaphor for giving up.

        I rarely ever have happy dreams. I never have sexual dreams. My therapist one time told me that we dream about things that basically are unresolved. If so, that obviously fits my situation.

        Another odd situation is that people in my dreams that I know are often manifestations of people I don’t know but look similar. So for instance, let’s say my dream features a female friend. It won’t be her but will be another female the same height, complexion, eye and hair color and similar mannerisms yet I recognize and refer to her as my friend and by name. I don’t know why that is.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Good morning, Jarrod. I opened your dream post links, and they were both the same. I think you may be right about the meaning of self-healing. There seems to be a spiritual quality about that dream.
        If I remember correctly, you have a CSI type job? Some the anger and violence you dream of might be related. Since the subconscious is more powerful than the waking mind, I’m glad you have a therapist to work through your dreams with you. That sense of despair and sadness is something worth understanding.Also, the mother/ex-wife dreams seem important in that people often end up in relationships with those similar to their parents.

        I dream about everything. I have good and bad dreams, but there is always an aura of compassion in my dreams. I have many dreams where I’m only vision, a witness to someone else’s circumstance. People ask me for help all the time too, and it can be similar to what you said about swapping out faces and names. I also feel that I’ve known people that I’ve never met before. Sometimes, I laugh and think that I live another life in dreams. I know they are great writing prompts if anything 🙂

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      • Laine, I am so sorry. I apparently did post the same article twice. Here is the other one that I meant to post:

        https://thehauntedlullaby.com/2014/07/23/this-old-house/

        Yes, I have a job in that aspect of the industry but the dreams aren’t related to that. I think it is related to the sense of depression and loss I feel. I also have a lot of anger in my life I am working to reconcile. I feel I have wasted my life and that I was duped in some ways. I think it is projected through the dreams.

        The issues with my mother are paramount and actually led me to marrying my ex-wife. She had very similar insecurity and deep rooted emotional issues. Only years later did I learn it is quite common for an individual that has had a loss of a relationship with a parent of the opposite sex to seek out a mate with similar qualities as a subconscious attempt to “fix” that mate as a means to be able to repair that broken relationship with the parent. It took me a long time to figure that out.

        I’ve had friends tell me that they have had the ability to recognize they were in a dream and thus were then able to control their actions. That has never happened to me.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I checked out this link and left a comment there, Jarrod.

        Any anger you could not express as a child could certainly be suppressed and influence your dreams. As with narcissists and the group I mentioned before, children (and spouses) are usually treated as being responsible for the happiness of the abuser – an impossible task because the abuser does not truly want to be happy. The abuser wants someone else to blame when the real world won’t give them what they want.

        As to controlling your dreams (lucid dreaming) it is possible I believe. As a child I would hear my dad and uncles recount terrible and violent events that occurred in their homeland. They didn’t realize I was still awake listening, but I could hear a simmering rage in their voices. I would dream vividly about wars and murders, until in desperation I woke praying they would stop. Later, I learned how to recognize I was dreaming and pray while I was dreaming for it to stop. It works for me.

        On a lighter note, have you ever seen the movie Anger Management? It’s hilarious but poignant at the same time. I was reminded of the movie as I was reading through your post.

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    • As difficult as it is to swallow my pride and accept that, it is true. This situation, and losing my job, caused me to lose everything.

      It forced me to work on who I was and I learned that what I had truly lost was myself.

      I also learned, as you said, that I can only control myself. For way too long, I was reactive and allowed others to control my behavior.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. This is real and raw; so undeniably striking. There is healing and beauty in the pain, believe me; it doesn’t seem like it at times, and it is tough as Hell (what am I saying, you already know this!). The scar that is there now is better than the skin that was previously there. It is stronger and so are you.You learn so much about yourself in relationships, as much as you do about the other person. Sometimes finding out who you are, knowing what you deserve, and how to be happy on your own, is the greatest learning experience a relationship can give a person.

    Guess what?! When I was reading this post, I was also listening to music, and a song by Rascal Flatts came on called Come Wake Me Up. Pretty fitting for the post, in my opinion (it’s country, and I think your about section says you like heavy metal, so your ears might not like this song!).

    -thebrunetteinthepinkscarf

    PS: sorry for the long comment, and something tells me she still thinks about you 🙂

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    • Thank you. It is obviously a piece very close to me. My marriage holds value to me for various reasons. As I mentioned to sonofabeach96, the ending of it came at a very turbulent time. I literally lost everything at once: my marriage, the brand new house we built, everything I put into the marriage financially, as well as my job.

      I was so tired of the arguing, fighting, pain, and being blamed for all her problems that I just wanted out – no matter the cost. I didn’t care about the money cause our marriage wasn’t about money to me – it was about us being together.

      Losing my job and the marriage failing gave me the necessary kick in the ass to finally get serious about changing who I was. I hated who I became. Part of it was due to giving up who I was in an attempt to make my wife happy and part of it was my inability to reconcile things that happened to me in the past and my constant attempts to turn away from it. Once I had no more excuses, I bottomed out. I took the right steps to work with a counselor and vowed to truly make the positive changes and be who I want to be – all the time. And I am today. And I love it. I am no longer controlled by my fears, the past, or others’ actions. I am always in control.

      As for her, she doesn’t think about me. And that is fine. She got remarried in May. I sent her a text message congratulating her and her new husband and wishing them the best. It was a chapter in both of our lives that is now over. A snap shot – just like a photograph. And that is okay. That is what it was meant to be.

      I’d encourage you to read my three part series “Full Disclosure on Closure” for more on this topic.

      I will check the song out. I am familiar with that group being that they are quite popular. Yes, I like heavy metal and hard rock but I love and appreciate all good music. I also like classical, jazz, and R&B, as well as other types.

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    • Thank you Ginni. Yes, I discovered that I was subconsciously seeking out women that had similar emotional and insecurity problems to my mother. Apparently when a child has a broken relationship with a parent of the opposite sex, this tends to be common practice as a means for the child to try to subconsciously repair that relationship with the parent. I fell into this trap over and over.

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