I still think of you often. I shouldn’t but I do. I’m not sure why. Is it because I loved you? Is it because of what we were? Is it because you represent my fatal flaw to reconcile my past? Is it because you are with someone else now?
I wonder about you. I wonder if you have changed. I wonder if you tried to grow. If so, I wonder what you are like now. With my own personal growth, would we even be friends? Could we be lovers? Or would we be strangers, as we exist now and perhaps should have always been?
Would you recognize me? I look the same but I am different now than when you knew me. Would I recognize you? It has been so long since I saw you. The shadows we cast on one another were completely swallowing. I lost myself being with you. I became a shell of myself and fell further into my own fears and miseries. I hated what I became and I became whom I hated the most.
I needed you. I needed what you did to me to see the errors of my way. Your fallacies were your own and I believe you needed me to see them. I wonder if you did. I hope you did. You helped me change and you helped me grow in the most painful of ways. Your love wasn’t meant for me. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant for you either. And that was the crux at which we lay. You couldn’t love me cause you couldn’t love yourself. I couldn’t fix you but I also couldn’t fix myself.
So there we were – two generals with their fingers on the trigger pulling them each day. Who could hurt whom the most – a daily affair to one up each other’s pain. We stood – but we stood apart – nothing we shared held us together but we fed off one another’s pain.
I wonder who you are. Five years you existed in only a name. Your name has now changed and I wonder if you are still the same. If we met, what would we say? I’d want to introduce you to who I am now. But, you’d see me for what I was – a ghost in your imagination that exists frozen in a flame. I’m better now and I hope you are too. I hope you realize he can’t bring you joy. I hope you found your way. I miss you but I also realize you represent something to me that I can’t reconcile or change. You aren’t mine anymore. You never actually were. That still haunts me to this day.
We were nothing together – we were never on the same page. I hope you and he are different. I hope you grew. I hope you learned. If not, you’ll both be dying in the flames.