December 5, 2015

Some random thoughts for the night…

Jennifer Lawrence Hunger Games

I went and saw the last Hunger Games movie tonight. I’ve read the books so I knew what to expect. I enjoyed the movie but I still can’t get over the fact Jennifer Lawrence looks like she is 18 years old. The new movie previews showed her starring in a movie called Joy where she is opposite Bradley Cooper again. As they were presented as a couple, I couldn’t help to feel they look more like father and daughter. It is good to look young though. I hope she can hold on to it. Oh, and the guy in front of me kept looking at me during the movie previews and was eating his popcorn with the mindset that it would be taken away from him if he didn’t finish it in ten minutes. Popcorn on man…popcorn on.

I really hate popcorn.

I really hate popcorn.

Philip Seymour Hoffman is in the movie and as he first appeared on screen, I thought again about Scott Weiland and how both of these talented, yet troubled souls, had self-destructed and left us too early.

I couldn’t help to feel the movie was an allegory for America’s current state. No, we aren’t at civil war, but with the war on terrorism, both sides feel they are right and blame the other for the predicament we are in. Where does it end when everyone feels they are wronged.

My mind feels woefully cloudy tonight and my judgement heavy. I rode by the Park Lane Tavern to see if they had the outdoor fire pits on and to get a drink to soothe my worried mind. But, it was late and I didn’t feel like dropping ten dollars down for a Gulden Draak.

I decided instead to ride by the house I had shared with my ex-wife. The garden I planted is still there and the plants look nice, even in the winter. The new owners put up lights in the windows that flicker to mimic a candle. An ironic representation I thought because of the way we were together – on and off – hot and cold. I also noticed the flickering of the lights weren’t in unison with one another. The grandest of all the metaphors since we were never on the same page. They even had the lights in the front room we were going to make the nursery. I can remember telling you I was worried cause the room resided right over the garage and I was afraid the opening and closing of the doors would wake the baby. The idea was lost on you, as all of my ideas were. I wonder if that room ever became a nursery for someone’s baby.

When I had left the theater, I had turned on Stone Temple Pilots and was listening to the album entitled Purple. The song “Big Empty” came on and it made me think about how that is exactly how I feel about my life – empty. I have so much on my mind right now and there are some big decisions coming up. I need to face them but I don’t want to. How much longer can I wait? I’m getting older and time is slipping away. I don’t think I can live with myself if I make the alternate choice. I’d feel like I was turning my back on who I am. I’ve always said that once you turn your back on yourself, you have nothing left and would be better off dead. And, I certainly think I would rather be dead than have to do this.

Decisions

I attempted to see the Idlewild house chimney from the road in the neighborhood but it was too dark. I love visiting there. It makes me feel peaceful due to the serene environment. I used to go up there after we argued or you got done blaming me for whatever was bothering you that day. I am sure you weren’t even aware of it. I thought about how much I’d like to go there now. I have my flashlight. But, then I remembered I am an adult and adults don’t go rummaging through the woods in a residential area at 11:30 PM at night. I can already see myself having to explain to my boss why I was arrested for suspicious activity when someone inevitably calls the police on me. This will surely help our strained relationship. Plus it is 35 degrees outside and with my luck, I will trip and fall and break my arm. Time to drive on in the warm car instead.

As I drove, I thought about the outpouring of support that had come forth for both Weiland and Seymour Hoffman in the days since their passing. Regardless of who you are, it is amazing that one person can affect so many people – even people they have never met. I wondered if I have ever affected anyone. Would anyone say anything like that if I passed? Would anyone even care?

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Philip Seymour Hoffman

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28 thoughts on “December 5, 2015

  1. Although we haven’t spoken much at all, and we don’t realm know each other well, I will always remember you as a nice guy
    You are the type of person you can tell has a lot going on in their head, all the time. Through reading your blog postings I have learned more about you. I think the best people are those who are open and honest, and you are one of those people. This seemed an appropriate comment given the subject. Happier days are still to come.

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    • Thank you for your kind words. They are greatly appreciated. You are correct. I use my blog to help me navigate through my thoughts to help me reach my feelings.

      I’ve found being honest and open helps me to determine what choices I really need to make to give me the best chances to succeed. I’ve also worked a lot on understanding that I need to find contentment and happiness in my current situation. For a long time, I have lived my life by the ladder mentality of “I will be happy when ___” which creates an unhealthy scenario where each successive goal becomes harder to reach and less attainable.

      Thanks again for reading and commenting.

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  2. I hope you the best in every aspect of your life, Jarrod. You deserve it. We all do. During the course of our lives, it’s not impossible that we may have made an impact to someone and chances are they will remember us for who we are and how we made them feel.

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    • Thank you Danica. I appreciate your kind words. I think the key for me is to figure out exactly what makes me happy and to move past the disappointment I feel about how my life has turned out.

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  3. You managed to be humorous & thoughtful all at the same time, I can feel your pain. The bit about your old house hit me in the gut. Glad you mentioned these 2 souls (Scott & Philip) – they were both a force in very different ways. Any one of us can go down a dark path, and I can only hope society grows kinder with those of us who suffer. Cheering you on for your difficult decisions. Some days will completely suck but try to remember there is always a new day. That might be a TINY improvement and a tiny spark in the right direction. Hugs from NC ❤

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    • Thank you. I try to add a little humor into my writing. I’ve found that somethings hurt so bad all we can do is cry.

      Thanks for the encouragement as well. One of my difficulties is that I have lived with the mentality that “I can be happy when (insert subject here) happens.” I learned that this isn’t necessarily true. We make our own happiness. But, somehow, I still hold onto that sentiment even if I know it isn’t true. I wonder what is worse – to be naive not to realize that or to understand it but still not be able to break the hold.

      I try to make each day good and generally it is. I just need a change of scenery badly – and the opportunity I want – hasn’t arisen the way I want it to.

      Liked by 1 person

      • This is funny (no, not really funny) – what I mean is I was literally talking about this on Sunday with my brother.

        So many of us live our lives this way, I read an article recently talking about how it is survival-based, and natural, that we are always wanting 20% more.

        Also pointed out that getting 20% more (almost) never makes us any happier. My brother has switched careers, and now he’s just as unhappy as before.

        Perspective, and diligence towards your goals can go a long way. I hope you get there, and that you can enjoy the journey.

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      • I’ve always expected a lot out of myself and had high expectations. I also expect a lot out of others but people’s general apathy and the need to do the minimum has tempered that as the years have passed.

        If one looked at my life and achievements, they would think I have achieved a lot. And, I have. But, I have fallen short of what I wanted. I would have – no matter what. At some point the goal would have become unattainable. I am working towards reconciling that in my mind but it is difficult to do so cause I still see myself as a failure. I need to find a way to reconcile that feeling and I know no matter what, I am the only one that can change how I feel.

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      • You certainly have a lot of self-knowledge up in there, and my own thinking echoes all of your statements here. We really are our own worst enemy most times.

        I go back and forth between life acceptance, feeling like a failure and trying to turn my brain inside out figuring out how to make a new path.

        I think progress it natural, wanting more is natural. What isn’t natural are all these lazy, apathetic people running (or lying down) among us.

        The day I roll over and accept that as the norm will be the death of me!

        Try to enjoy the Journey, since that’s all life really is. Which doesn’t mean in any way you won’t still wake up some mornings saying ‘WTF?!?’ 🙂

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      • I think you and I are kindred spirits. I am glad we have met.

        My knowledge has come through a lot of reading, introspection, and counseling. I wasn’t happy with who I was and I wanted to improve and not be held hostage by the anger I felt and had internalized. I wanted to be the person I knew I could be – but all the time. I let others control me and dictate my actions.

        As we have discussed at length, I have found that seeking to grow is the key. We have to continue to evolve especially as we age and encounter new people and experiences.

        Though I don’t believe in God or fate, I do think the reason I am here is far different than I what I expected and it is due to my choices. I think my purpose is to help others and inspire them. At the same time, I have a lot of anger about my life and how it has turned out. I was led to believe something that wasn’t true and I feel like I sacrificed without achieving the reward I expected. Because of that, I feel very unhappy and like I have wasted my life. I need to continue to work through this feeling.

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      • Honestly, find like-minded people over here is what keeps me writing. I have needed to know for a while that I wasn’t alone in my thinking on lots of things. Though while not everyone will agree (obviously), I enjoy the conversations and knowledge gained – that was my own intention from the beginning.

        I have let others control me as well, many more times than I’d like to admit. I am a spiritual person, not a religious one, I still wonder about Fate. I think I still cling to the romantic notion of it. 🙂

        Loads of people get angry – and congrats on being human! I can understand what you mean by a wasted life. Though truly – we are both still young and have much more living to do, right? Be well, I am very glad we ‘met’ here as well.

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      • I’ve met a lot of wonderful people through blogging. I have heard a lot of horror stories but I haven’t encountered any people like that.

        I really like your blog and conversing with you. When I started my blog, I decided I wanted the theme of my blog to be me. You are reading me – my thoughts, ideas, and emotions expressed through my words. Yes, not everyone is going to like every post but I hope that if you don’t, you will come back and read me again and find something more palatable. I consider my blog successful – successful because it allows me to express myself and helps me navigate through my feelings. I also have a large following and I think that is largely because I am honest in my writings and that resonates with people.

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      • I bet this is exactly why you are successful Jarrod. I am pretty sure I’ve scared away all the seriously religious people from my blog because sometimes I need to curse like a sailor. Or write something some may find offensive. I’ve been waiting to get backlash for that, but thus far I’ve had this amazing acceptance and understanding. It has restored my faith in humanity. I think your words resonate with a lot of people.

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      • I’m glad you have found the community to be encouraging. Just remember there are bad apples everywhere.

        I write as I feel and it has elicited a few phone calls but I need this medium to help me move past how I feel.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I’ve found most people just internalize things or don’t deal with their feelings. They usually pay for it later. Or, they make someone else pay for it later. That someone else has usually been me. I don’t want to be like that or deflect my feelings on to others. I try to work through them instead or utilize means to blow off steam such as going to the gym, running, listening to music, and writing.

        It has been really interesting to see people’s motivations for writing. This is what works for me.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I think we all pay for it, one way or another. I’m not convinced though. People try to run it off (literally), talk it out, write it out, but when does it actually pass? Still trying to figure that one out. When are we at the point where we will *really & truly* be able to let it go? So many times I thought I had but something will happen and it’s like a POW! right in the kisser. To be continued…I suppose.

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      • Well, we never forget. I think we just find ways to be able to reconcile our feelings. Our perspectives always change based upon our experiences. I think the goal is to try and reach a point where we no longer cling to the past – whether it be positive or negative.

        I liked the Honeymooners reference. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Agreed. I find it interesting how our perspective may also change with time. Ah, the past makes us who we are, to the extent that we allow it to. Glad you like that last bit.

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      • A number of people allow themselves to be dictated by the past. They become stuck there. I think it is important to learn from it and grow but not be defined by it. Historically, as a human race, we are not very good at that as we continually make the same mistakes over and over.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Very true, and I have known many caught in this trap. Since out troubles these days are a little less intense than a saber tooth tiger on your arm, I think we are slightly more dense (ignorant – in denial) as to the healing that needs to happen.

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      • To some degree, we all have this expectation things are going to work out. Through privilege, hard work, prayer, or the American dream, we all think, somehow, someway we will find what we are looking for.

        The hardest part is to accept that sometimes things just don’t work out. To learn that was absolutely devastating for me. It still is. I am very angry over that and how I feel about my life. Truthfully, I know I need to get the fuck over it but I can’t figure out how to. I’ve accepted it but it still permeates every being of my soul. I think sometimes we really just need a change of scenery in life. It doesn’t make our problems go away but I do believe a change in scenery can help mold a change in perspective.

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      • We do, and I think this next generation is going to be much worse. Most of us grew up fairly privileged, thus adding to our (at times) unrealistic expectations.

        I think sometimes we can’t get over it until we are ready. We can’t force the sting to go away, so we wait it out.

        Changing your environment can definitely help (not the same as running away…) it has helped me in the past.

        One foot in front of the other, away from that crap. You will get there!

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