Throwback Thursday 02/11/2016

This one is by request for Sourgirl.

Jarrod Guitar

Here is the backstory. I’m two years old. My half-brother, 15 years older than me, takes great pleasure in introducing me to his love of music which includes Dokken, Scorpions, KISS, AC/DC, Krokus, Ozzy Osbourne, and the list goes on and on. Both of my brothers were very talented musicians when young and during these days, my brother often has his friends over to jam on their guitars. Not wanting to be left out, I often want to join and older brother obliges me, mainly because his female friends think I am cute and it helps him in that department.

But you see, a young rocker is developing and something has awakened in me. When my brother leaves for work, school, or to hang with his buddies, I sneak into his room and attempt to play his records and his guitar, mimicking older brother. My brother attempts to tell my mother (his step-mother) about me in his room but she doesn’t believe him as no child of hers would listen to such music.

After breaking my brother’s needle on his record player, he’s had enough. He catches me in the act of messing with his guitar and snaps a photograph for proof.

The look on my face says it all.

Dokken – “In My Dreams” from 1985’s “Under Lock and Key” album.

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“Yeah…I’ve Seen Him Around Before…”

I used to go to a dentist who was very affable and outgoing. The only problem with that is it is difficult to partake in a conversation when the dentist is working in your mouth.

So, one day, while filling in a chip that had occurred in my front tooth, the dentist happily chatted to me in a one-sided conversation as I could only listen as my mouth was held open by some sort of medieval contraption.

Let's play 50 questions. I will go first.

Let’s play 50 questions. I will go first.

A young woman, brunette and attractive, walked over to where I was seated. It was obvious she was a hygienist or something with a similar title. Our eyes locked for a brief second.

“Oh,” the dentist exclaimed noticing the woman, “Jarrod, this is Ashley. She is one of our best workers and she is going to take care of you.”

Obviously not being able to speak, and feeling awkward, I politely waved at Ashley as to introduce myself.

“Do you know Jarrod?” the dentist asked Ashley.

Ashley hesitated for a second and squinted her eyes at me while she slowly moved her hand to her hip.

“Yeah,” she said coolly, “I’ve seen him around before.”

With that, Ashley walked off. And, that was how I met Ashley from the dental office.

So we heard you have dental insurance?

So we heard you have dental insurance?

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A Holiday Wish – 2015

Yeah, it is Christmas time again.

Yeah, it is Christmas time again.

Dear Reader,

I hope that you are having a wonderful holiday, are enjoying yourself, and Santa was good to you this year. Hopefully you did not receive any coal or any underwear, as my friend’s son explained to her that Santa brings underwear to those that are bad. Well, we have to get underwear from somewhere right? Oh, and terrible sweaters.

Ye Gods, is this even a sweater?

Ye Gods, is this even a sweater?

As for me, my day has been very quiet which I have enjoyed. We had a half a day at work on Christmas Eve. With so few people there, I was able to accomplish a lot and have a great day in the gym before heading home for a run later in the day. If only every day could be like that! I’d just hate to make half the salary!

The weather here has been unseasonably warm as one can wear shorts. It has made my run yesterday, and today, by the river very relaxing. A few very hard days in the gym left me very sore and it was nice to sleep in today. Today, I have mainly laid around and caught up on the X-Files series. I watched the X-Files movie last night so I could get back on track in the series.

Besides my run and watching X-Files, I have done a lot of relaxing. It is surely nice to have some downtime. I also got some Chinese food for dinner. When I was married, my ex-wife and I started a tradition where we could go out for Chinese food either on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. This was born out of us being married on December 29th, and with all that was happening to prepare for the wedding, we didn’t travel or cook and thus this tradition was started. Though divorced, I usually get take-out, not really to honor the tradition, but to avoid cooking. But, I ate too much and the song “Comfortably Numb” by Pink Floyd is on my mind, though it is more-so like “Uncomfortably Numb.”

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They hadn’t even started the eggnog shots yet…

Hope your day was filled with joy, family, friends, happiness, and love and in the immortal words of one Clark W. Griswold, hopefully you had “the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny fucking Kaye. ”

5-National-Lampoons-Christmas-Vacation-quotes

Best wishes and Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Festivus for the rest of us!

We will now begin the airing of the grievances!

We will now begin the airing of the grievances!

Dear Santa – 2015

I wanted to share this letter with all of my readers that I sent to Kris Kringle, aka Santa Clause.

You better not pout! You better not cry! Shit...

You better not pout!
You better not cry!
Shit…


Dear Santa,

I hope this finds you well. I have been a very good young man this past year. (ahem, why are you laughing – I am still VERY young) Because I was so good, I wanted to kindly ask for a few things for Christmas. If you could oblige me, I would be eternally grateful. I will itemize them for your consideration.

1.I need a fresh start in life Santa. I had some really bad things happen to me and I made some mistakes in life. But, I have grown and spent the last three to four years cleaning up my mess. I feel like I am ready to take the next step forward in my life. I’d like to start over in a new area and begin from square one.

2. I’d like to have my own home again. I really miss my first home that I gave up in the divorce. I took very good care of it. I always did. I loved working in the yard. I had earned it and it was mine to call home. I’d love that again.

 

My first home.

 

3. I’d like a first generation Mustang. I’d really love a black 1968 Ford Mustang Fastback. It would be great if I could get the 302 cubic inch engine (you know, the 4.9L one) with the 4 barrel carburetor. That would be really awesome. I’d take really good care of it. You know I would. Oh, and I need a a place to put it. Maybe, like, a garage? (Please see item number 2!) I took such great care of my beloved Mazda 626. Look how great it looked on the day I sold it and it was 13 years old!

My beloved Mazda 626 I had from 2000 - 2013.

My beloved Mazda 626 I had from 2000 – 2013.

Though it is three items, I know I am asking for a lot. If I can only have one thing, I’d like item number one please. It would mean a lot to me.

I don’t have a chimney so I assume you will use the front door. (I only have one door but it is still the front, I guess) Anyways, I will leave you some cookies but I can’t leave any milk. For one, I have a cat and she will get into it. She gets into everything. Two, let’s cut to the chase here – we are all adults and you will be tired as going around the world in one night is tough. And I am sure Ms. Clause will be blowing up your phone wanting to know why you weren’t home at a certain time and if you are out drinking with the elves, blah, blah, blah. So, I will be a pal and leave you some bourbon. The cat doesn’t like bourbon. Oh, how do I know? Well, um, things got crazy one night..and well, never mind, it isn’t important. Anyways, I will leave you some good stuff too – some Knob Creek, Woodford Reserve, or Bowman Brothers and with some whiskey stones to keep it cold and not watered down.

Um, Santa?

Um, Santa?

Also, please keep the front door closed cause the cat will run out. She is a sneaky little shit very sweet little girl and it is tough to catch her. I had to chase her outside one day and it was a challenge. And with the reindeer, and it will be cold, and you might spill the bourbon I leave, I mean, it just sounds bad – really bad. So, just please close the door. Trust me on this. Plus, if you make too much noise I will wake up and then I’ll be mad that you didn’t listen to me and the cat got out. Well, when I see the Mustang, I will be happy, but I will still be agitated you didn’t listen to me. Plus, we will still have to go find the cat. Let’s just avoid all of that, okay? Awesome!

Santa, keep an eye out for Dandelion!

Santa, keep an eye out for Dandelion!

Well, Merry Christmas and thanks again for taking the time to read my letter!

Sincerely,

Jarrod

P.S. Here is a picture of me with my friend from Christmas 1983 when we met you!

Jarrod and Kelly

Crying Santa and Kids Image

Drunk Santa

All other images from my personal collection.