Almost Five Years

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I still think of you often. I shouldn’t but I do. I’m not sure why. Is it because I loved you? Is it because of what we were? Is it because you represent my fatal flaw to reconcile my past? Is it because you are with someone else now?

I wonder about you. I wonder if you have changed. I wonder if you tried to grow. If so, I wonder what you are like now. With my own personal growth, would we even be friends? Could we be lovers? Or would we be strangers, as we exist now and perhaps should have always been?

Would you recognize me? I look the same but I am different now than when you knew me. Would I recognize you? It has been so long since I saw you. The shadows we cast on one another were completely swallowing. I lost myself being with you. I became a shell of myself and fell further into my own fears and miseries. I hated what I became and I became whom I hated the most.

I needed you. I needed what you did to me to see the errors of my way. Your fallacies were your own and I believe you needed me to see them. I wonder if you did. I hope you did. You helped me change and you helped me grow in the most painful of ways. Your love wasn’t meant for me. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant for you either. And that was the crux at which we lay. You couldn’t love me cause you couldn’t love yourself. I couldn’t fix you but I also couldn’t fix myself.

So there we were – two generals with their fingers on the trigger pulling them each day. Who could hurt whom the most – a daily affair to one up each other’s pain. We stood – but we stood apart – nothing we shared held us together but we fed off one another’s pain.

I wonder who you are. Five years you existed in only a name. Your name has now changed and I wonder if you are still the same. If we met, what would we say? I’d want to introduce you to who I am now. But, you’d see me for what I was – a ghost in your imagination that exists frozen in a flame. I’m better now and I hope you are too. I hope you realize he can’t bring you joy. I hope you found your way. I miss you but I also realize you represent something to me that I can’t reconcile or change. You aren’t mine anymore. You never actually were. That still haunts me to this day.

We were nothing together – we were never on the same page. I hope you and he are different. I hope you grew. I hope you learned. If not, you’ll both be dying in the flames.

 

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“It’s Not a Happy Day For Everyone, You Know!”

I’m not much for parties or celebrations. But, I do try to be cognizant of others and what is important to them. I try to wish people I know happy birthday, happy anniversary, as well as happy Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, as applicable.

A female friend of mine, let’s call Carrie, who is about the same age as I am, is married and has three young children. This past Mother’s Day, I took the time to wish her happy Mother’s Day.

Carrie was very appreciative and commented something to the effect that it must have been difficult for me to do that and whether I was doing okay.

Sidebar: Something I have hinted at in various posts, but not written about directly, is that my mother was mentally, verbally, and emotionally abusive to me and to some degree – physically. Because of her actions, and lack of motivation to seek help or change, I do not maintain a relationship with her and haven’t spoken to her in almost ten years. Carrie is aware of this, thus her comment.

Meanwhile…back at the ranch…

While I knew where Carrie’s comment came from, it surprised me. I asked her what she meant.

She explained to me that her sister-in-law is attempting to conceive and having difficulty doing so. I don’t remember exactly how the topic of Mother’s Day came up directly with respect to her sister-in-law – whether someone wished Carrie “Happy Mother’s Day” in front of her sister-in-law, or perhaps Carrie’s children presented her with gifts, but it created a situation where her sister-in-law blurted out towards her, “It isn’t a happy day for everyone, you know!” then promptly stomped out of the room.

Since I have had a negative experience as well, Carrie wondered whether I also negative feelings towards the day.

“No,” I replied. “I am not going to project negative feelings on individuals who aren’t deserving of it as a means to wallow in self-pity.”

I further explained that her sister-in-law is merely projecting onto Carrie her frustration, anger, and disappointment concerning her current situation. While her emotions and feelings are valid, it isn’t right for her to take away the day from others.

I discussed that while I have had a number of negative situations in my life such as the loss of the relationship with my mother and my marriage ending, I am not going to take it out on other people. There isn’t a need to project my feelings from negative situations onto others. I can still be happy for people I care about and rejoice in their happy occasions such as being a parent or deciding to be married.

My tribulations are my own and I have taken responsibility for them. Part of owning them is working to slot them where they need to be with respect to my life and to move past them. It is easy to wish ill will on others. But why? As a means to make others feel the pain we do, and for what? How does this help us heal?

Every time I send someone a wedding card, I write the following message in it:

“Always keep each other first in your lives and always keep open communication.”

It is a powerful message and, unfortunately, a lesson learned from my own failed marriage. But, the silver lining is I grew and I learned from the experience. And, I can help others learn from my mistakes so that, hopefully, their road is less bumpy.

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My Story

I’m posting this as my entry into Blair King’s writing contest! I hope you enjoy it!

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In shadows,

Am I living in sin?

I’ve been searching,

Seeking where it all begins.

 

I’ve been running through the gauntlet,

Wandering in the maze,

Looking for an unlocked door,

Lost in a foggy haze.

 

A vision of my scene,

A choreographed perfect version,

A completed picture,

Not corrupted by any perversion.

 

I can’t predict the future,

But I do remember the past,

I’ve got the tools I need,

To finish my story at last.

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