Some random thoughts for the night…
I went and saw the last Hunger Games movie tonight. I’ve read the books so I knew what to expect. I enjoyed the movie but I still can’t get over the fact Jennifer Lawrence looks like she is 18 years old. The new movie previews showed her starring in a movie called Joy where she is opposite Bradley Cooper again. As they were presented as a couple, I couldn’t help to feel they look more like father and daughter. It is good to look young though. I hope she can hold on to it. Oh, and the guy in front of me kept looking at me during the movie previews and was eating his popcorn with the mindset that it would be taken away from him if he didn’t finish it in ten minutes. Popcorn on man…popcorn on.
I really hate popcorn.
Philip Seymour Hoffman is in the movie and as he first appeared on screen, I thought again about Scott Weiland and how both of these talented, yet troubled souls, had self-destructed and left us too early.
I couldn’t help to feel the movie was an allegory for America’s current state. No, we aren’t at civil war, but with the war on terrorism, both sides feel they are right and blame the other for the predicament we are in. Where does it end when everyone feels they are wronged.
My mind feels woefully cloudy tonight and my judgement heavy. I rode by the Park Lane Tavern to see if they had the outdoor fire pits on and to get a drink to soothe my worried mind. But, it was late and I didn’t feel like dropping ten dollars down for a Gulden Draak.
I decided instead to ride by the house I had shared with my ex-wife. The garden I planted is still there and the plants look nice, even in the winter. The new owners put up lights in the windows that flicker to mimic a candle. An ironic representation I thought because of the way we were together – on and off – hot and cold. I also noticed the flickering of the lights weren’t in unison with one another. The grandest of all the metaphors since we were never on the same page. They even had the lights in the front room we were going to make the nursery. I can remember telling you I was worried cause the room resided right over the garage and I was afraid the opening and closing of the doors would wake the baby. The idea was lost on you, as all of my ideas were. I wonder if that room ever became a nursery for someone’s baby.
When I had left the theater, I had turned on Stone Temple Pilots and was listening to the album entitled Purple. The song “Big Empty” came on and it made me think about how that is exactly how I feel about my life – empty. I have so much on my mind right now and there are some big decisions coming up. I need to face them but I don’t want to. How much longer can I wait? I’m getting older and time is slipping away. I don’t think I can live with myself if I make the alternate choice. I’d feel like I was turning my back on who I am. I’ve always said that once you turn your back on yourself, you have nothing left and would be better off dead. And, I certainly think I would rather be dead than have to do this.
I attempted to see the Idlewild house chimney from the road in the neighborhood but it was too dark. I love visiting there. It makes me feel peaceful due to the serene environment. I used to go up there after we argued or you got done blaming me for whatever was bothering you that day. I am sure you weren’t even aware of it. I thought about how much I’d like to go there now. I have my flashlight. But, then I remembered I am an adult and adults don’t go rummaging through the woods in a residential area at 11:30 PM at night. I can already see myself having to explain to my boss why I was arrested for suspicious activity when someone inevitably calls the police on me. This will surely help our strained relationship. Plus it is 35 degrees outside and with my luck, I will trip and fall and break my arm. Time to drive on in the warm car instead.
As I drove, I thought about the outpouring of support that had come forth for both Weiland and Seymour Hoffman in the days since their passing. Regardless of who you are, it is amazing that one person can affect so many people – even people they have never met. I wondered if I have ever affected anyone. Would anyone say anything like that if I passed? Would anyone even care?
Philip Seymour Hoffman