Forever

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They told me to wait,

But I’ve been waiting forever,

How long is forever?

Cause forever never comes,

To truly live forever,

Means that you’ve died young,

I’ve put my ear to the ground to listen,

But the silence speaks louder than any words,

Footsteps no longer point in any direction,

There is a cessation in the air,

Cause blind faith isn’t faith at all,

When you no longer seem to care.

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December 5, 2015

Some random thoughts for the night…

Jennifer Lawrence Hunger Games

I went and saw the last Hunger Games movie tonight. I’ve read the books so I knew what to expect. I enjoyed the movie but I still can’t get over the fact Jennifer Lawrence looks like she is 18 years old. The new movie previews showed her starring in a movie called Joy where she is opposite Bradley Cooper again. As they were presented as a couple, I couldn’t help to feel they look more like father and daughter. It is good to look young though. I hope she can hold on to it. Oh, and the guy in front of me kept looking at me during the movie previews and was eating his popcorn with the mindset that it would be taken away from him if he didn’t finish it in ten minutes. Popcorn on man…popcorn on.

I really hate popcorn.

I really hate popcorn.

Philip Seymour Hoffman is in the movie and as he first appeared on screen, I thought again about Scott Weiland and how both of these talented, yet troubled souls, had self-destructed and left us too early.

I couldn’t help to feel the movie was an allegory for America’s current state. No, we aren’t at civil war, but with the war on terrorism, both sides feel they are right and blame the other for the predicament we are in. Where does it end when everyone feels they are wronged.

My mind feels woefully cloudy tonight and my judgement heavy. I rode by the Park Lane Tavern to see if they had the outdoor fire pits on and to get a drink to soothe my worried mind. But, it was late and I didn’t feel like dropping ten dollars down for a Gulden Draak.

I decided instead to ride by the house I had shared with my ex-wife. The garden I planted is still there and the plants look nice, even in the winter. The new owners put up lights in the windows that flicker to mimic a candle. An ironic representation I thought because of the way we were together – on and off – hot and cold. I also noticed the flickering of the lights weren’t in unison with one another. The grandest of all the metaphors since we were never on the same page. They even had the lights in the front room we were going to make the nursery. I can remember telling you I was worried cause the room resided right over the garage and I was afraid the opening and closing of the doors would wake the baby. The idea was lost on you, as all of my ideas were. I wonder if that room ever became a nursery for someone’s baby.

When I had left the theater, I had turned on Stone Temple Pilots and was listening to the album entitled Purple. The song “Big Empty” came on and it made me think about how that is exactly how I feel about my life – empty. I have so much on my mind right now and there are some big decisions coming up. I need to face them but I don’t want to. How much longer can I wait? I’m getting older and time is slipping away. I don’t think I can live with myself if I make the alternate choice. I’d feel like I was turning my back on who I am. I’ve always said that once you turn your back on yourself, you have nothing left and would be better off dead. And, I certainly think I would rather be dead than have to do this.

Decisions

I attempted to see the Idlewild house chimney from the road in the neighborhood but it was too dark. I love visiting there. It makes me feel peaceful due to the serene environment. I used to go up there after we argued or you got done blaming me for whatever was bothering you that day. I am sure you weren’t even aware of it. I thought about how much I’d like to go there now. I have my flashlight. But, then I remembered I am an adult and adults don’t go rummaging through the woods in a residential area at 11:30 PM at night. I can already see myself having to explain to my boss why I was arrested for suspicious activity when someone inevitably calls the police on me. This will surely help our strained relationship. Plus it is 35 degrees outside and with my luck, I will trip and fall and break my arm. Time to drive on in the warm car instead.

As I drove, I thought about the outpouring of support that had come forth for both Weiland and Seymour Hoffman in the days since their passing. Regardless of who you are, it is amazing that one person can affect so many people – even people they have never met. I wondered if I have ever affected anyone. Would anyone say anything like that if I passed? Would anyone even care?

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Philip Seymour Hoffman

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Halloween Night 2015

Baby Mirror

Then…

I’m ten years old. The words cut to the core and break me down…again. What have I done this time? There isn’t a need to play dirty. I’m ashamed once again at your hand. Your words mean more to me than just about anyone. You know this…and take full advantage. I don’t understand what has occurred. I don’t have the perspective. Sadly, you don’t either and your own pain and self-loathing manifests through your words and actions as a mean to deflect your need to self-examine. As I grow, so does your self-loathing and spiral along with the insults.

“You’re fat….that’s disgusting I don’t want to see that…no woman will ever love you if you are fat…you’re worthless…you’re a fucking failure…you’ve failed as a son…you’re no son of mine…pack your shit and get the hell out of here…”

Now…

It’s Halloween Night. It is about 7:00 PM. I’m in the gym – alone, just the way I love it – and I’ve just finished a set of air squats. I’ve finally mastered the technique. All of those back exercises – dead lifts, Romanian dead lifts, and good mornings – really worked wonders. A technique that was so challenging now seems much simpler with a stronger lower back. Trapezius muscles are also on tap tonight – a personal favorite. But first, the result of drinking so much water in the gym…

While in the locker room, I weigh myself. I am back up to 225 lbs. I was sitting at 241 lbs earlier in the year but I look and feel leaner. People are often surprised I weigh that much. I’m not sure what their expectation is but it obviously isn’t what I exhibit.

I stop and briefly look in the mirror. I’m creeping towards my mid-30s and the mirror is still a source of pain. After bottoming out, in just about everything, I’ve completely transformed my body in three and a half years. My shirt is starting to ride up due to my expanding lattissimus dorsi muscles. Women have paid much more attention to me in recent years. The compliments on my figure come often – usually accompanied by a smile. Oh, and the blue eyes. The women always love the blue eyes.

It is flattering but yet still somewhat awkward and makes me feel uncomfortable. The same pain that keeps me from looking in the mirror also makes me shy away from compliments and attention as they have always bothered me. I think the worst thing anyone could do to me is place me in the middle of a room and surround me with people that are clapping. I think I’d try to dig a hole to hide in. And, I’ve figured out why.

I remember your words and I hear them. I haven’t spoken to you in over 10 years but I hear your voice like it was 20 years ago. The words cut and the wounds become fresh.

I step away from the mirror….

I wish you could see me now. I started this journey because of you and all the terrible things you said to me. I wanted them to stop. But, as I’d soon learn, it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with how you viewed yourself. If you were here, you’d say the same things all over again, because though it has been over ten years, I know nothing has changed.

Destroy

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Nightmares

Grover

I toss and turn,

And dream away,

Why do I even bother,

To sleep anyways?

 

The nightmares they come,

Once I wake up,

A continuation into the day,

There’s no escape,

Forever they stay.

 

When it rains,

It pours,

No umbrella to hold,

I’m drenched and wet,

Fighting through the cold.

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