Are my dreams visions of a fantasy or is my reality a fantasy splicing the reality of dreams? The only thing heavier than my eyes is the disappoint in my heart. Dreams are merely fantasy wrapped in the reality of the cold rain. Yet, we continue to sleep to dream.
I know you are doing what you need to do. I know it is ultimately right. I understand your situation. You painted a canvass for me of friendship. It hurts to know the words were made of water colors. It hurts that you pretend nothing ever happened. I’m sorry my colors were opposite of yours. I painted in the direction I thought was right and stand by what I created. I was a true friend to you and now – we are nothing. Friendships are a palette of colors. I painted true yet I feel betrayed. Maybe cause I find in you how my past still remains. I’m sorry that things are now black and white.
I’m sorry that a cold splash of reality caused all the colors of my canvass to dissipate. I wonder what you are thinking. I wonder how you can wear a facade and watch as the colors run dry. The picture was painted with bright hues that now fade as they melt away.
I don’t know what is worse…our canvasses are now dry or we pretend they never existed.
“Hey, he laid the smack down on those guys today,” said my smiling coworker to his boss who joined our conversation.
The words hit me like a surge of electricity and I felt my stomach start to turn. I looked at the manager who was nodding approvingly as I could feel my face physically contour from the surprise I felt.
“Well, I…,” I trailed off.
“Well, no, I just said what needed to be said,” I finished.
I immediately felt a sinking feeling in my gut as the conversation continued.
“He really thinks I laid the smack down,” I thought to myself. The words seemed so condescending – so different from who I am and how I define myself.
The words bothered me the rest of the day. I definitely can stand up for myself, make the tough choices, face confrontation head on, and say what needs to be said but the assertion that one “would lay the smack down” brought visions of a condescending individual that behaves that way because they know they can.
It made me wonder if some people aren’t able to see the line and allow it to blur or perhaps see no line at all.
I think I will leave the laying down of the smack to the person who does it the best – The Rock.
I would associate “laying the smack down” more with this individual than myself…
So last month, the home I grew up in went up for sale. Sadly, the house needs a lot of work as our neighbors who still live in the area have reported that the house was not cared for. This is such a shame because my father always took so much pride in owning a home and keeping it up. The yard always looked amazing. He even spent an entire summer building a cedar fence out of hand. It was incredible!
When my father said he was selling the home a number of years ago, I discovered, subconsciousnessly, that it bothered me. After learning the news, I found the next few nights to be restless as I tossed and turned, dreaming about the house. I don’t recall any of the dreams specifically but they always centered around living in the house and they were always sad in nature. This was odd because at this point, it had been about eight years since I had lived there and I had rarely given the house a thought since moving. I guess my brain was attempting to reconcile the fact that a place where I had spent close to 15 years living would no longer be a place I would visit. The events that had occurred there would now reside only as memories. I would no longer ever have the experience of going back and visiting the old home, my room, or the yard where I spent so much of my time.
It was sobering to realize that something that I had cared so little about, was in fact something I apparently did care greatly about. Reflecting, I can see why. A lot of firsts were achieved in my life while living in that home. I grew from a little boy into a man. That general memory and the specific events that occurred while I lived there helped to build who I am. My hope is that whoever purchases the house will be able to create memories as I did.